The Leiry Loop

Rapunzel

There was once a couple who hadn’t been blessed by a child. They have done it almost everyday—praying that is—but all their religious efforts were in vain. Come twenty years, when they finally realized that praying wouldn’t do them any good, they decided to do it the natural way (wink, wink) and voila!

Couple: 1 God: 0

Of course they wouldn’t know in like, three or four months, that there was already a teeny-tiny life inside the womb of the wife. Now it just so happened that their neighbor was a witch/enchantress/evil-person-that-will-take-your-child-away and she had a garden full of the most beautiful flowers and herbs. (The witch studied BS Botany: Major in Gardening-To-Lure-Pregnant-Wives, at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry)

The wife suddenly had a craving for the most beautiful rampion, rapunzel, that grew in the witch’s garden. Her craving was so intense that she fell ill thinking that she wouldn’t have any of it, since it was on the wretched witch’s place. Her husband grew alarmed, and asked: What ails you, my dear? And she replied: Ah, I’ll die if I can’t have those rampions in our neighbor’s garden. The husband knew at once which garden she was talking about, and said: Never mind, forget I even asked. To which the wife answered with: I’ll file a divorce, I swear I will!

Later that night, the husband crept in the witch’s garden to steal some of the rampions—he had no choice for he didn’t to be separated with his wife. If he just knew what was going to happen, though, I’m sure he would’ve chosen divorce.

Alas, when he was about to turn around back to their humble abode, there she was, the enchantress, standing before him, eyes filled with malice and contempt. The only words that came out of the poor husband’s mouth was: What the hell are you doing here?! The witch replied, seeing the rampions on the man’s hand: What the hell are YOU doing here? How dare you steal my plants! I could’ve given you those had you asked, thief! It took the man every inch of his courage to answer back, but his mind was not cooperating due to extreme fear: Mercy! Mercy! Wife! Crave! Rampion! Die! Not Eat! Rampion! Sh*t! Oh My God!

Fortunately, the witch understood what he was trying to get across: Fine, fine, jeez. This is why I never married. She rolled her eyes and said to him: You can have as much rampions you like, but in exchange I’ll get to keep your child. The man was confused: What child? We don’t have a child.

Then you will have one, duh! That’s how fairy tales go, you dummy.

The man, thinking that she was crazy, consented to everything, and when the wife finally gave birth to a baby girl, the witch took it away with her. She named the girl Rapunzel. In time, she grew into a very beautiful lady—and when she hit twelve the witch locked her up in a tower in the middle of the forest, which had no doors nor stairs, but had a little window on top.

Rapunzel never had the time to go into parlors and stuff, so her hair grew into unbelievable lengths, never been cut since she was born. It was golden, it was sparkling, and it was smooth. When the witch wanted to climb on top of the tower she would shout: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

Days grew into weeks, and weeks into months, and after how many years, a prince from a neighboring kingdom happened to pass by the tower. He hid himself behind a tree when he saw the witch coming and he heard her say: Rapunzel, let down your hair! He witnessed the long rope-like golden hair fall into the ground from atop the tower, and he caught a glimpse on the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. It was love at first sight—he fell head over heels with Rapunzel...’s hair. (Kidding)

With conviction and the desire to see the girl personally, he tried to copy what the witch did, and shouted: Rapunzel, let down your hair! Sure enough, the hair came down, and up the prince went.

However, there was no beautiful girl on top. In her place was the evil witch*, looking as ugly and twisted as ever. The prince demanded: WHERE IS MY FAIR LADY THAT CAUGHT MY HEART AND SPRINKLED IT WITH MARSHMALLOWS?! SHOW ME! The witch looked unconcerned as she called out: Forget Rapunzel, I have cookies. To which the prince replied: Yay, cookies.

And the prince lived happily ever after.


*-this witch is actually the Rapunzel of our story and had only grown old and wrinkled with age