Should You Commit A Crime (unfinished)
An essay (kind of) dedicated to the people who just murdered (accidentally or not) someone lately.
On disposing of the bloody remains
Hiding the body could work, if done properly. Don't keep it in the basement, or the attic, or somewhere remotely near your place if you don't want to be haunted forever (either by ghost or your conscience). DO NOT, AT ALL COSTS, BURY THE CORPSE ON A WALL. Not because it's creepy, but hair might stick out if you're not careful, or an earthquake might occur and reveal your dirty secrets. Do not throw it in the river where it can be easily found. Do not bury in shallow soil. (Learn from the mistakes of the previous murderers.) The best hiding place for the dead body is, of course, the cemetery. To quote: "Hide a leaf in a forest." or something along those lines. Pick up a shovel and bury it beside your evil parent-in-law (whom you killed last year) later tonight. Make sure the graveguards won't catch you though, or you're in for big trouble.
If there's no cemetery somewhere in your area (where the heck are you living?!), go up the mountains and bury it there (in an erosion-free spot) or buy a yacht and cruise until you reach international waters. Dump the body but make sure it has sufficient weight for it to sink. These are still risky, because nosey hikers might find out about the body in the mountains, or the sea might decide to be a jerkass and wash the corpse up the shore.
Chopping the body to pieces is not recommended. It's a messy job, and chances are you'll leave some pieces lying about in a hurry. If you absolutely need to do it though (you soulless person), make sure you do a perfect job. I advise you to just grind the corpse to teeny tiny bits if possible. Don't keep the head as a souvenir or whatever. Dispose of it immediately-- don't bury it somewhere near you, better burn it for awesome results.
If you can't go outside and do these things beacuse the people around you might find it suspicious (poor you), grab a box, wrap the body in foil, put it into the box, wrap it up in millions and millions of package tape and ship it to Antarctica. BEWARE: ONLY DO THIS IF YOU'RE REALLY DESPERATE. With the kind of security nowadays, they'll find out what's inside, more or less. You'll be dead-meat in no time.
Your other option is pretend you murdered the person in self-defense. (This could work best if you're a woman or a child. Before going to the police, take up the corpse and put its fingerprints all over you. Then proceed to hit yourself with... uhh anything. Blood should flow out of you for greater effect. Wipe off your fingerprints on the weapon you hit yourself with and make the corpse hold it. Bring your murder weapon to the police. Cry if need be. Be utterly pitiful. And other things that should be obvious.) Again, this could end very bad so unless you're a good actor/actress, better not try it or you'll fail miserable and still end up behind bars.
I don't recommend on blaming the crime on someone else (unless you really hate someone, then go for it). Remember, this will only serve to add to your bad karma.
There are other things to which you can dispose off of your horrible deed, but I only wrote the obvious ones. Smart people would think of intricate plans, but that also tend to backfire because the plan was too intricate they sometimes forget minute details. If you still find it hard to dispose of the corpse you just killed after reading my advice, then shame on you. You did that without thinking, now suffer the consequences.
On disposing of the murder weapon
The most incriminating evidence aside from the DNA-related thingamabobs that you left on the crime scene is the murder weapon. Regardless of the kind you used (knife, hammer, eraser, spork, needle), the murder weapon is something you need to tend to after taking care of the body.
YOU SHOULD NOT KEEP THE MURDER WEAPON CLOSE TO YOU. If found, it would be your downfall. Be smart and hide it away from prying eyes. Hiding it in a private vault in Switzerland or in a supposedly haunted warehouse (where anyone is afraid of venturing) will do. Be careful though, hiding a murder weapon is like hiding a body. Remember the pointers above and treat it as such.
Clean the murder weapon thoroughly. Get rid of any blood stain, fingerprint, and hair strand.
Hiding the murder weapon is not the only way of getting rid of it. The more obvious choice is to destroy it, either by burning, disassembling, or wrecking. Another clever one is to camouflage it, for example, hiding the (cleaned) knife in the kitchen or putting the (cleaned) baseball bat inside your sports locker.
However, if you used a weapon that does not look like a murder weapon (e.g. paper) then just leave it.
On dealing with irritating detectives
The bane of newbie murderers are the irritating detectives itching to get their hands on the culprit (probably to earn rank). They'll try to put you off-guard either by threat or confusion. Be calm on dealing with these bastards.
It would be unavoidable that you would be interrogated. Do not panic. Anyone near the crime scene will undergo the same process and avoiding it will just create suspicion. Be polite in answering questions. Control your temper. If you think they're onto you, throw them off your trail by saying things casually and without fear. Be bold, but do not be aggressive.
There are four basic kinds of detectives and I will name them for the sake of naming: (1)The Wise, (2)The Know-it-all, (3)The Local Police, and the (4)Downright Stupid.
AVOID ONE AND FOUR AT ALL COSTS. The wise detective have seen enough and experienced enough to be fooled. Although he rarely gets into action, he almost always gets his deductions right. He knows every possible route the culprit may take, and if he's the one handling your case, give it up. The stupid detective, on the other hand, might be an idiot, and can't see a single clue, but his stupidity is very likely to throw you off-guard, and you might slip a thing or two being overconfident, causing his subordinates (who are probably smarter) to take action instead.
The Know-it-all detective is well, smart, but to an extent. He is almost always book-smart.On dealing with this kind, you have the advantage if you really look like a criminal yourself. This detective would know better than to question you and will ask non-suspicious ones. Try to look guilty but do not over-do it. This detective usually goes with the mind-set: "The obvious one can't be the real culprit." Use this to your advantage. DO NOT FEIGN INNOCENCE. The smart detective knows that the culprit would always try to act clean. This is most likely because he watched too much detective shows on TV and read too much detective novels. (Try and walk past him with the murder weapon in hand or blood on your clothes and you'll see. He'll be like, "He can't be the culprit! He's too obvious!")
Last, but definitely not the least, is the local police detective. I don't know much about this kind of detectives, so can't help you there, sorry.
An essay (kind of) dedicated to the people who just murdered (accidentally or not) someone lately.
On disposing of the bloody remains
Hiding the body could work, if done properly. Don't keep it in the basement, or the attic, or somewhere remotely near your place if you don't want to be haunted forever (either by ghost or your conscience). DO NOT, AT ALL COSTS, BURY THE CORPSE ON A WALL. Not because it's creepy, but hair might stick out if you're not careful, or an earthquake might occur and reveal your dirty secrets. Do not throw it in the river where it can be easily found. Do not bury in shallow soil. (Learn from the mistakes of the previous murderers.) The best hiding place for the dead body is, of course, the cemetery. To quote: "Hide a leaf in a forest." or something along those lines. Pick up a shovel and bury it beside your evil parent-in-law (whom you killed last year) later tonight. Make sure the graveguards won't catch you though, or you're in for big trouble.
If there's no cemetery somewhere in your area (where the heck are you living?!), go up the mountains and bury it there (in an erosion-free spot) or buy a yacht and cruise until you reach international waters. Dump the body but make sure it has sufficient weight for it to sink. These are still risky, because nosey hikers might find out about the body in the mountains, or the sea might decide to be a jerkass and wash the corpse up the shore.
Chopping the body to pieces is not recommended. It's a messy job, and chances are you'll leave some pieces lying about in a hurry. If you absolutely need to do it though (you soulless person), make sure you do a perfect job. I advise you to just grind the corpse to teeny tiny bits if possible. Don't keep the head as a souvenir or whatever. Dispose of it immediately-- don't bury it somewhere near you, better burn it for awesome results.
If you can't go outside and do these things beacuse the people around you might find it suspicious (poor you), grab a box, wrap the body in foil, put it into the box, wrap it up in millions and millions of package tape and ship it to Antarctica. BEWARE: ONLY DO THIS IF YOU'RE REALLY DESPERATE. With the kind of security nowadays, they'll find out what's inside, more or less. You'll be dead-meat in no time.
Your other option is pretend you murdered the person in self-defense. (This could work best if you're a woman or a child. Before going to the police, take up the corpse and put its fingerprints all over you. Then proceed to hit yourself with... uhh anything. Blood should flow out of you for greater effect. Wipe off your fingerprints on the weapon you hit yourself with and make the corpse hold it. Bring your murder weapon to the police. Cry if need be. Be utterly pitiful. And other things that should be obvious.) Again, this could end very bad so unless you're a good actor/actress, better not try it or you'll fail miserable and still end up behind bars.
I don't recommend on blaming the crime on someone else (unless you really hate someone, then go for it). Remember, this will only serve to add to your bad karma.
There are other things to which you can dispose off of your horrible deed, but I only wrote the obvious ones. Smart people would think of intricate plans, but that also tend to backfire because the plan was too intricate they sometimes forget minute details. If you still find it hard to dispose of the corpse you just killed after reading my advice, then shame on you. You did that without thinking, now suffer the consequences.
On disposing of the murder weapon
The most incriminating evidence aside from the DNA-related thingamabobs that you left on the crime scene is the murder weapon. Regardless of the kind you used (knife, hammer, eraser, spork, needle), the murder weapon is something you need to tend to after taking care of the body.
YOU SHOULD NOT KEEP THE MURDER WEAPON CLOSE TO YOU. If found, it would be your downfall. Be smart and hide it away from prying eyes. Hiding it in a private vault in Switzerland or in a supposedly haunted warehouse (where anyone is afraid of venturing) will do. Be careful though, hiding a murder weapon is like hiding a body. Remember the pointers above and treat it as such.
Clean the murder weapon thoroughly. Get rid of any blood stain, fingerprint, and hair strand.
Hiding the murder weapon is not the only way of getting rid of it. The more obvious choice is to destroy it, either by burning, disassembling, or wrecking. Another clever one is to camouflage it, for example, hiding the (cleaned) knife in the kitchen or putting the (cleaned) baseball bat inside your sports locker.
However, if you used a weapon that does not look like a murder weapon (e.g. paper) then just leave it.
On dealing with irritating detectives
The bane of newbie murderers are the irritating detectives itching to get their hands on the culprit (probably to earn rank). They'll try to put you off-guard either by threat or confusion. Be calm on dealing with these bastards.
It would be unavoidable that you would be interrogated. Do not panic. Anyone near the crime scene will undergo the same process and avoiding it will just create suspicion. Be polite in answering questions. Control your temper. If you think they're onto you, throw them off your trail by saying things casually and without fear. Be bold, but do not be aggressive.
There are four basic kinds of detectives and I will name them for the sake of naming: (1)The Wise, (2)The Know-it-all, (3)The Local Police, and the (4)Downright Stupid.
AVOID ONE AND FOUR AT ALL COSTS. The wise detective have seen enough and experienced enough to be fooled. Although he rarely gets into action, he almost always gets his deductions right. He knows every possible route the culprit may take, and if he's the one handling your case, give it up. The stupid detective, on the other hand, might be an idiot, and can't see a single clue, but his stupidity is very likely to throw you off-guard, and you might slip a thing or two being overconfident, causing his subordinates (who are probably smarter) to take action instead.
The Know-it-all detective is well, smart, but to an extent. He is almost always book-smart.On dealing with this kind, you have the advantage if you really look like a criminal yourself. This detective would know better than to question you and will ask non-suspicious ones. Try to look guilty but do not over-do it. This detective usually goes with the mind-set: "The obvious one can't be the real culprit." Use this to your advantage. DO NOT FEIGN INNOCENCE. The smart detective knows that the culprit would always try to act clean. This is most likely because he watched too much detective shows on TV and read too much detective novels. (Try and walk past him with the murder weapon in hand or blood on your clothes and you'll see. He'll be like, "He can't be the culprit! He's too obvious!")
Last, but definitely not the least, is the local police detective. I don't know much about this kind of detectives, so can't help you there, sorry.
No comments:
Post a Comment